


bridge

by bettersounds (thebadguyswin)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen, M/M, he goes to a bridge, joshler - Freeform, me too, remember when this was a one shot, then i just kept accidentally writing chapters, they're lgbt but not specified in this so u could basically make them anything u wanted in ur mind, tw suicidal tendencies, tyler's basically kinda sad and depressed and not in a happy place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-08-24 07:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8364121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebadguyswin/pseuds/bettersounds
Summary: “Hey, if you can’t talk to a stranger on a bridge, who can you talk to?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please don't read this if you think it'll make you uncomfortable in any way. i dont know your limits so i cant advise you personally but if anything about this gets too much please just exit out of it. im here to talk to anyone who needs it.

The cold wind nipped at his pink cheeks and nose and the tips of his fingers, not covered by his fingerless gloves. His eyes streamed and his nose made loud _snuck_ on every inhale. The rest of his body was warm enough, clad in warm layers to combat the frigid climate of Ohio in November. But how Tyler hated the cold weather.

He scuffed his tattered trainers against the ground as he walked. The frost on the path and grass glittered in the full moon’s pale light.

 _How pretty_. He thought. He wished the sky was lit up with more stars, but light pollution had turned the sky a dark hue of purplish blue, and obliterated the chance of anything other than the light of the moon from reaching him.

He took a deep breath and kept walking. His mind was numb, too exhausted to process any sort of feeling. Not even sadness.

He was at his worst, that was for sure.

Sometimes, he’d be laughing and smiling and talking about how much he loved the song on the radio or how excited he was for this film coming out next week.

Sometimes, he’d be screaming and crying into his pillow. Hoping that someone would come into his room and find him and tell him it was all okay, but praying they’d leave him alone.

Sometimes, he’d lash out, and tell the people he loved how little they meant to him and how he wished he’d never met them.

Sometimes, like tonight, he’d put on his shoes and coat and gloves, and he’d leave his house and his phone behind, and he’d walk.

This feeling. This was what scared him the most. This feeling was less of an emotion, and more a complete lack of emotion. This is when he felt like he’d given up the most. Like he’d stopped fighting it, whatever ‘it’ was, and resigned himself to failure and hatred and loss.

So he walked. He walked until the sun rose most nights he felt like this, managing to reach his home as the rosy dawn stretched across the sky and an orange glow glinted off the windows of the houses in his street. He’d make it into his bed before his parents or siblings stirred, and then he’d get up like everything was normal.

But he still felt the hollow. That terrifying, deep, dark hollow. Like his chest was empty and his mind was numb.

Right now, he’d reached a park. A decent-sized park, with a deserted play park in one corner and a large lake and a maze and lots of paths. Tyler found himself following these paths, winding around monuments and trees. He inspected everything he came across, reading plaques and identifying different plant types. Anything to fill his mind up with something other than blankness.

Tyler kept walking. He left the park, walking further and further from the suburbs. He could tell from the steady increase in cars driving past and people on the streets that he was nearing the city centre. They ignored him as much as he ignored them. It made sense; he’d been walking for three hours now. The streetlights lit his way, a harsh, artificial orange brightness. He pulled his hood up to shield his face.

Tyler kept walking. The streets of houses turned into shops and businesses and apartment blocks. Bright white lights shone out of the windows of 24/7 stores, while other shop fronts only had dark windows and shutters pulled down.

Tyler walked until he heard a low hum, like something scraping over a long sheet of rough sandpaper. The sound got louder. It got louder still as he approached a wide, dark expanse of water.

 _River_. He realised, seeing the lights on the other side of the bridge he was presented with.

It was a road bridge, with a chest high barrier and pedestrian pavements and street lights stretching along either side. Tyler began to walk across the bridge, his head still down and his shoes still scuffing the pavement.

A sign caught his eye which made him stop in the middle of the bridge.

 **IN DESPAIR?**  
**CONTACT**  
**SAMARTIANS**  
**08457 909090**

 

Tyler snorted. Despair? That suggested that he cared. If he cared, he’d call the number. He’d talk to someone and end up sobbing and pouring his heart out to the well-meaning stranger. They’d probably advise him to seek a professional and get some much needed help. He’d end up happier, with the people he loved and who loved him, and he could maybe be the poster boy for Samaritans and the good work they did. If he cared.

Tyler shook his head and leaned against the barrier, hooking his elbows over the top and resting his head on his folded arms. He gazed down at the dark water beneath him. He couldn’t see much, but he could see the froths and waves forming as the river churned against the bridge’s supporting pillars.

The breeze from the river swept up and ruffled his hood and his hair underneath it. Like fingers pulling at his clothes. _It would be so easy_.

His lips were dried out and chapped from the weather, flakes of skin peeling and cracking as he chewed them. _So easy_.

One leg over the barrier, then the other. That's all it would take. He could sit like that for a while. Feeling the wind on his face and listening to the roar of the water beneath him. He'd just need a shove then. One shove, and he'd be pulled in and swallowed up. One little push, and there'd be nothing anyone could do. The current would be strong, stronger than any person, and keep him under. Just one little...

“You in need of anything there, pal?”

A voice behind Tyler made him jump, and he stepped back from the barrier and turned to face the newcomer.

“I-I…” Tyler’s voice cracked and he coughed to clear his throat. He hadn’t spoken in a few days. “I’m okay.” He managed to get out.

The stranger rose his eyebrows and exhaled sharply. “You sure? You see a guy standing so close to the edge of a bridge right next to that thing…” He flicked his hand towards the Samaritans sign. “You can’t help but check.”

Tyler glanced at him before looking away. His black coat was high-necked and chunky and a dark-coloured beanie covered his head, but Tyler couldn’t help but wonder what good it did when the rips in his jeans exposed most of his knees.

“Nah. I’m… I’m fine…” He refused to make eye contact.

The stranger frowned. “Are you sure?”

Tyler didn’t reply, instead turning away from him and resuming his position, leaning against the barrier.

The stranger took a few steps towards Tyler, until he too was leaning against the bridge. He pressed his side against it, so he faced Tyler, even if Tyler wasn’t facing him.

“You’re not convincing me.” He chewed something, Tyler presumed it was gum.

“Didn’t know you needed convincing.” Tyler mumbled.

“Didn’t realise I’d need convincing.” He scratched his cheek, his nails dragging across stubble. “Come on, dude. I can’t really go anywhere now if I wanted to. What’s up?”

Tyler flashed a look sideways, uncertain.

“Hey, if you can’t talk to a stranger on a bridge, who can you talk to?” The stranger laughed, trying to lighten the mood. He cleared his throat when he realised it wasn’t working. “Come on, dude. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. I tell you something, you tell me something, okay?” He offered.

Tyler nuzzled his face against his sleeve, trying to decide. “Okay.” He mumbled.

“Okay. Good.” The stranger smiled. “So. My name’s Josh, I’m new in town, and I moved here because my parents kicked me out when I came out to them. I live in a shitty small apartment in town that I have to work three jobs to afford and I’m probably never gonna achieve anything with my life.” He looked to Tyler. “Now you.”

Tyler looked at Josh, startled by his honestly. “Oh. Okay.” He swallowed. “I’m Tyler. I live in my parent’s basement because college didn’t work out for me and I can’t afford anything else.” He started. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t want to find out. I go for walks at night to get away from my nightmares. I guess, right now, I like the look of _down there_.” Tyler stared into the foaming waves of the river.

Josh’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Josh slipped his hands into his pockets and looked uncomfortably at the ground. “So maybe that phone number would be useful after all.”

“Probably not.” 

“Any idea why you feel like this?”

Tyler shook his head.

“Any idea when you started feeling like this?”

“It comes and it goes.” Tyler pursed his lips. “Probably gotten worse recently.”

“Wow.” Josh breathed.

“Sorry.”

“No, no. It’s… I mean, thanks for telling me. I’m glad I stopped.” Josh managed a smile.

“I’m not.” Tyler frowned.

Josh shuffled closer to Tyler. “Look… I know I’m a nobody and my opinion doesn’t count for shit but…” Josh trailed off.

“What? What are you gonna say? It gets better? Everyone feels down sometimes? I know, I’ve heard it all before. Fact is, I don’t care. I don’t care if I live or die or if the world is swallowed by the sun tomorrow.” Tyler huffed, burying his face back into his folded arms.

“Do you always feel that way?”

Tyler hesitated. “Not… Not always…”

“Okay.” Josh nodded. “What’s different when you don’t think like this?”

“I… I don’t…” Tyler stammered.

“There’s got to be something.” Josh pouted, staring at Tyler intently.

Tyler thought. He thought back to the frost twinkling on the blades of grass. He thought back to when his mother baked his favourite type of cake, just because. He thought back to that song on the radio and that film at the cinema.

“I guess… No, it sounds dumb.” Tyler shook his head.

Josh was close to Tyler now, his body heat radiating through into Tyler’s skin. “Nothing’s dumb if it makes a difference.”

Tyler managed the smallest of smiles. “Little things.” Tyler said at last. “They make some of it seem worthwhile.”

Josh nodded. “Like things people do for you or…?”

“Sometimes.” Tyler breathed. “Or sometimes just little nice things. Birdsong in the morning. Rain hitting the window. Someone smiling at you when you pass them on the street.”

“When you’ve needed to pee for _ages_ and finally get to a toilet?” Josh suggested.

Tyler burst into a fit of giggles. He covered his face and his shoulders shook.

Josh smiled too, his chest juddering as he laughed.

“Yeah, I guess.” Tyler said when he’d calmed down.

“I get that.” Josh agreed. "I get how hard it can be sometimes, too. It's a struggle." Josh sighed.

"Mhm?" Tyler glanced over to Josh. He felt a tug at his heart as he saw the glazed look in Josh's eyes as he stared into the river.

"Coming out to my parents..." Josh's breath billowed from his lips in a fog as he exhaled. "I hoped... prayed... that'd it'd be okay. That they'd hold me as I shook and tell me they loved me and how nothing had changed..."

Tyler swallowed. "Nothing like that, huh?"

Josh shook his head. "They gave me half an hour to pack." Tyler saw his eyes well up, before he blinked away the tears.

"I...I..." Tyler stammered. "I'm sorry."

"Why? Nothin' to do with you." Josh wiped his nose on his sleeve. 

"Things... are they better now?"

Josh shrugged. "They couldn't get any worse. That's the good thing about rock bottom." 

"You're telling me."

"That bad for you, huh?" Josh looked at Tyler.

Tyler noticed the deep colour of Josh's eyes, and his lip ring, and the spikes of dark hair peaking out from his beanie. "I'm hoping they get better."

"What's 'better' for you?"

"I don't really know."

“So, do you think _down there_ would help you get better? Or would you just be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?”

“I guess.” Tyler shifted.

"Tyler..." Josh rubbed his eyes. " _Down there_... It isn't the answer. It just means we'd be stuck at rock bottom forever." 

Tyler continued to stare at the water. “I guess I should go home then.”

“Is home far?”

Tyler didn’t reply.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” Josh sighed. “You really do like to walk, huh?”

“Clears my head.” Tyler shrugged.

“I’ll drive you.” Josh stepped away from the barrier and straightened his back.

Tyler frowned. “Why?”

“Because you’re obviously not a city boy so fuck knows how far you have to walk back at… 3am, dude. I’m gonna make sure you get home safe.”

Tyler had to accept his offer. He would never make it back before his parents woke up now. He nodded.

“Come on.” Josh took a few steps towards the side of the river Tyler had come from before turning around to make sure Tyler was following.

Tyler let him lead the way to a parking lot beside a rundown looking building. Josh’s car was small, second or third hand, but clean and taken care of.

“Hop in.” Josh unlocked the passenger door, the central locking system clearly long since broken.

Tyler huddled in the car seat, pushing his hands in his armpits and squeezing his knees together. He made smalltalk with Josh, directing him to his house via the quickest route, not wanting to give any more of himself away during the car journey. The drive took half an hour, so Josh was obviously surprised when he realised just how far Tyler had walked. The drove past the small shops and businesses, and the park, and through all the houses and streets.

“This is my street.” Tyler announced. “You can drop me off here, I can walk the rest.”

Josh pulled up at the entrance to the street. “No problem.”

Tyler unlocked the door and pulled at the handle, unlatching it and letting it swing open an inch or two before he paused.

“Josh…” He started.

“Yeah?”

Tyler furrowed his brow. “Why were you out at this time of night too?”

Josh looked away and gripped the steering wheel. “Let’s just say… we aren’t so different, you and I.” He swallowed thickly.

Tyler shut the door again. "Would you have called that helpline if I hadn't been there?"

Josh shook his head, refusing to make eye contact.

"When you talked to me... Was it as much for your own benefit as it was for mine?"

Josh glanced sideways, nodding ever so slightly.

Tyler reached into his pocket and pulled out the pen he always kept there. He grabbed Josh’s hand and held it firmly, frowning as he wrote numbers onto Josh’s hand.

“What’s this for?” Josh peered at the numbers.

“Phone number. In case you need me.” Tyler opened the door again and slid out of the car.

Josh wound down his window so he could still talk to him. “You want me to stay in contact?”

“Sure.” Tyler shrugged. “If you need to. If you ever feel like that again, that is. If talking helped you tonight, who's to say it won't work next time?”

“All this time, you've been a closed book. What made you change your mind?” Josh frowned, but couldn't help the slight smile tugging at his lips.

Tyler laughed and took a few steps backwards towards his street. “If you can’t talk to a stranger on a bridge, who can you talk to?”


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler frowned at his phone screen, buzzing and lit up on his bedside table with a flashing green phone and an unknown number. The red glow of his alarm clock displayed 3.05am. Tyler hadn’t slept yet.

He tapped the icon to accept the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Hey. Uh, you’re up. I didn’t expect that. Hey_.”

Tyler’s frown deepened. “Who is this?”

“ _Uh. It’s, uh. Josh_.”

Tyler’s eyes widened with realisation. The guy from the bridge. It had been two weeks, and although Tyler had been out walking since then, he hadn’t seen nor heard from the stranger since.

“Oh, Josh. Hey. Everything okay?” Tyler swallowed hard, anticipating the answer. No one calls a stranger at 3.05am for shits and giggles.

“ _I. I guess not_.” Josh’s voice was small, and weak.

“Where are you?”

“ _Same spot as before_.”

Tyler’s heart rate quickened. “The bridge? I’ll come to you.” Tyler was already shuffling out of bed and reaching for the jeans he’d dropped to the floor a few hours earlier.

“ _Don’t be ridiculous, Ty. You’re hours away_.”

“Then come to me.”

Tyler heard Josh sigh down the phone, and it was ten seconds before Josh replied.

“ _Okay_.”

“I’ll be at the top of my street in twenty minutes. You remember the way?”

“ _Yeah._ ” Josh was even quieter. “ _Okay_.” The line went dead.

Tyler pulled on jeans and trainers and his thick black sweater and gloves. If Josh had his car, maybe he wouldn’t need to wrap up so warmly. Then again, who knows where they’d end up. Tyler pulled on his heavy coat too. Just in case.

He was used to slipping out of the house, making no noise as he passed through the hallway and out the front door. Josh wouldn’t get to his street for another fifteen minutes at best, but sitting alone outside on the curb of the sidewalk was as good as sitting alone in his boxers in bed.

Tyler’s breath billowed out in clouds as he sat, knees drawn up to his chest and rubbing his arms to keep warm. He was worried. Scared, even. He wasn’t used to this.

Tyler recognised the car as it came into view, and he stood up quickly. Josh pulled up beside him and killed the engine. He didn’t move to get out of the car, instead simply staring straight ahead with his hands on the steering wheel. Tyler didn’t say anything as he opened the passenger door and slipped into the car.

“You wanna go somewhere?” Tyler clasped his hands together.

Josh shrugged. “I guess.”

“Start driving then.”

“But where?”

Tyler shrugged. “East. Good a place as any.”

Josh started the engine again and started driving in the direction where the sky was slightly lighter, indicating a distant but assured sunrise.

Tyler glanced at Josh, who still hadn’t looked at him. “What happened?”

“What makes you think something happened?” Josh snorted.

“Nothing for two weeks, then a phone call? Something triggered it.”

Josh chewed his lip.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. But you might have to tell me what I can do to help. I’m not good at reading people.”

Josh exhaled, long and slow. “You know when it all just gets too much?”

Tyler nodded.

“I guess that’s what happened.”

“I get that.”

Neither of them spoke for a few moments. Josh kept his eyes fixed on the road, and Tyler stared at his knees.

“So.” Tyler broke the silence. “What can I do to help?”

“I dunno.” Josh almost laughed. “I just needed someone. I still had your number saved and I guess… Looks like I really can’t talk to anyone. Not even a stranger I met on a bridge. Maybe I really am fucked.”

Tyler frowned. “Take a left up here.” He started directing Josh, and Josh followed without questioning. They soon reached an old industrial estate, with grey concrete buildings and brightly coloured business signs glowing garishly at even intervals.

“What are we doing here?” Josh parked up in an empty bay.

“Just follow me.” Tyler climbed out of the car and waited for Josh to lock the doors, his hands stuffed into his pockets. “This way.” He said once Josh was sure his car was secure.

Josh followed as Tyler let him between buildings and across lots, heading towards what looked like an abandoned building with a car park underneath it. Yellow tape criss-crossed over the car park entrance and exits, but Tyler ignored it and yanked the tape apart to step through.

“Is this legal?” Josh stepped between the tape.

“Probably not.” Tyler kept walking, looping around the ramps which cars would have driven up and down once upon a time.

Josh nodded and continued behind Tyler. They headed towards a door to the side, Tyler yanking it open to a stairwell with a lift.

“Lift still works, thank fuck.” Tyler breathed. “I don’t think they ever disconnected it from the mains.”

Josh didn’t speak as the lift reached the top level, and the doors opened. Tyler went out through the door, and walked up one more flight of stairs to reach the roof of the building. He walked to the edge and hooked his elbows over the top.

Josh stood beside him and looked out. His breath caught in his throat a little. “Oh.”

Josh could see pretty much the whole town centre from this point. Roads lined with street lights weaved between buildings. Skyscrapers obliterated some of the view, but their windows formed twinkling patterns across the landscape. There was a gentle hum of cars and night buses and lorries.

“Pretty, right?” Tyler smiled.

Josh nodded. “Yeah.”

They stood like that, side by side, not speaking. Tyler didn’t want to say something first this time. He needed Josh to be able to talk on his own, without prompting.

Josh gazed out at the landscape, chewing his lip and blinking rapidly, as if he were fighting back tears.

“I dropped a box of records at the store today.” Josh said finally. “A couple of them broke but most of them were fine. I gotta pay the damages out of my wages. I can afford that, just. My manager wasn’t even that pissed at me. But I still broke down in the toilets and couldn’t come out for an hour and a half.”

Tyler nodded. “That triggered this?”

Josh shrugged. “I guess.”

“I get it.” Tyler sighed. “You’re holding on for so long, about so many things… Then something so small and insignificant happens and you have a meltdown. I get it.”

“I think I’m falling.” Josh choked. He rested his head in his hands and started trembling.

Tyler moved closer to him and cautiously put his arm around Josh. Josh leant into his touch. “I get it.”

Josh fell against Tyler’s chest, tears streaming down his face and his body shaking. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s shoulders.

“I got you.” Tyler whispered, and let Josh cry.

Josh straightened up a little while later. His eyes were red and puffy. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Tyler shook his head. “Nothing to apologise for.”

“I’m a mess.”

“So am I.”

Josh let out a small laugh. “I guess.”

“Rock bottom, huh?” The corner of Tyler’s mouth twitched up, an almost-half-smile.

“You bet.” Josh rubbed his face.

They looked out across the city again. The distant edge of the horizon was turning from a deep purple to a glowing pink, casting a golden haze across the edges of clouds.

Tyler pointed out towards the very beginnings of the sunrise. “That’s where we’ll be soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“The glow. The… warmth.” Tyler sighed. “We’re in the middle of the night right now. It’s dark, and cold, and holds all the horrors our minds can dream up. But we’re heading towards a sunrise. Then our nightmares can melt away.”

“You really believe that?”

“I have to.” Tyler shrugged. "Gotta believe rock bottoms doesn't have a basement."

Josh nodded. “I want to believe that too.”

Tyler took Josh’s hand. “Then believe. It’s difficult, and scary, but you can do it.”

Josh squeezed Tyler’s hand. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I lied when I said 'one-shot' but nvm


	3. Chapter 3

“Come over.” Josh’s voice was strained, like those two words were too much effort for him to say.

“Are you okay?” Tyler spoke down his phone, frowning as he watched through his bedroom window as the sun slowly creep into view, beams breaking out across the sky from behind the rooftops.

“Yeah, I just… No, not really.” Josh sounded defeated.

Tyler nodded, even though Josh wouldn’t be able to tell over the phone. “Okay. Give me like an hour or two, I’ll head over.”

Josh hung up without saying goodbye, but Tyler didn’t mind.

This was the earliest Josh had phoned Tyler, and the first time he’d asked to see him. He hadn’t needed face-to-face contact since their last meeting, but once or twice a week, Tyler’s phone would ring before the sun had risen, and Tyler would always answer.

Tyler didn’t mind. He was almost glad Josh contacted him, because what might happen if he didn’t was too scary a concept to consider for too long.

Tyler peeled back his bedding and stood, stretching out his muscles. Going out was probably something he should do more, but he had little motivation to do it often.

Even telling Josh he’d be over so soon should have pushed him to shower and change faster than he did, but an hour and ten minutes later, Tyler eventually pulled on his boots coat and gloves, and set out to catch a bus that could take him near enough to Josh’s place.

_I’m getting the bus now_

Tyler texted, but didn’t expect a reply. The delivered notification turned into a read notification, and that was enough for him.

The bus journey took forty minutes. Forty minutes spent watching the condensation on the windows creep from its outer corners to its middle. Forty minutes spent watching people get on and off, some laughing, some smiling, some blankly staring. Tyler was the latter.

The bus stops near the apartment block, Tyler recognising the parking lot next to it. Josh’s car was visible as Tyler walked past it.

_I’m outside your apartment block, I think_

_Fourth floor, the number fell off my door but it’s the green one_

Tyler pushed the door to the building, and it opened. Security didn’t appear to be a major concern here.

Four floors and eight flights of stairs later, Tyler stood outside a green door with two screw holes at eye level and an old lock. Tyler knocked. The door creaked open almost immediately.

“Hey.” Josh forced a smile and stepped aside to let Tyler in.

Tyler walked through the door and took in his surroundings. “Hey.” A small apartment. The kitchen and living room shared an area, with doors leading off into what Tyler could only assume were a bedroom and bathroom. A messy apartment. Not messy in a disorganised way, there wasn’t enough in the way of belongings for that. Messy in a grubby, unkempt, neglected way. Debris littered the worn carpet, the kitchen counters were stained, and the shelves were grey and fuzzy with dust.

“Sorry for the mess.” Josh sighed. “I’m a mess. It happens.”

Tyler could only nod. “I get it. So what’s up?”

Josh shrugged. “Needed distraction.”

Tyler nodded again. “You showered?” Tyler glanced at Josh’s attire. Still clearly wearing his pyjamas, or at least the clothes he slept in, his hair was untamed and tangled, and he still had sleep grit in the corners of his eyes.

Josh shook his head.

“Go shower.” Tyler pulled off his coat. “I’ll straighten things up around here.”

Josh frowned. “My apartment?”

“Yeah. It’s not gonna help you… Living like this.”

“Like tidy up?”

Tyler nodded.

“You don’t have to…”

“How’re you feeling, Josh?”

“Overwhelmed.”

“Then I’m gonna.” Tyler put his hands softly on Josh’s shoulders and pushed him towards the bathroom, spying a white sink basin through the door.

“Okay, okay.” Josh sighed, defeated. “There’s some… supplies, under the sink I think.”

“Okay. Shower.” Tyler watched him disappear through the door and heard a lock slide into place.

Josh’s cupboard was decently supplied with cleaning products. Tyler wiped down counters, scooping crumbs into a bin, and coated everything with antibacterial spray. A soft cloth knocked dust onto the carpet. He swept the lino and vacuumed. He opened a window and let cool but clean air flow into the room. He’d only cleaned for twenty minutes, while Josh showered, but twenty minutes can accomplish a lot in a small apartment when there are few obstacles or possessions.

Josh emerged after twenty minutes, a towel around his waist and droplets of water forming at the end of his curls.

“Feeling better?” Tyler smiled, stuffing his hands into his pockets and trying to look everywhere apart from Josh.

Josh nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.” He disappeared into his bedroom to dress.

Tyler began to sweep debris into a dustpan, shaking out what he collected into the slowly filling bin.

He hummed. His tune had no words out loud, but his thoughts slotted in between the notes easily. Thoughts about being tired, so tired. Thoughts about someone helping him do what he is too weak to. It’s a nice tune.

 “Uh, thanks.” Josh’s voice drifted into Tyler’s perception, soft and meek.

Tyler looked at Josh, who stood fully dressed in the doorway now. “No problem.”

Josh’s hands stayed in the pockets of his sweatpants, and his t-shirt was worn and soft, and hung loosely on his body. “I should be able to do that myself.” He glanced around at his cleaner apartment, taking a deep breath of clearer air.

“Yeah.” Tyler replied honestly. “But sometimes you can’t, and that’s okay.”

“Thanks for coming around, too.” Josh scratched the back of his head. “Couldn’t be alone.”

Tyler shrugged. “Don’t mention it. Now that I’m here, what do you want to do?”

Josh exhaled, and shrugged. “I guess I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“I see.” Tyler chuckled. “Well, can you deal with going outside?”

Josh chewed at already well-bitten fingernails, and shook his head.

“So we stay in.”

“Is that okay?”

“Of course.” Tyler stepped out of his shoes, leaving them criss-crossed over each other next to a kitchen counter, and went to sit on the sofa. The cushions made a soft whooshing noise as the air escaped through the fibres under Tyler’s weight. “Come sit.”

The tips of Josh’s fingers stayed in his mouth as he shuffled to sit beside Tyler, tucking his feet underneath himself and staring at nothing. “You’ve got a nice voice.” Josh mumbled.

“I guess.” Tyler tugged his rolled up hoodie sleeves down over his hands, scrunching the cuffs up into a ball in each palm.

“You should sing.”

“Right now?”

“No.” Josh laughed. “I mean, you could sing. For a living.”

Tyler snorted. “Sure. People would love to hear what I have to say.”

“I do.”

Tyler didn’t reply.

Josh slumped against Tyler’s shoulder, goosebumps travelling up the exposed parts of his arms. His sweatpants bunched at the ankles, exposing a nub of bone and dark hair. His toenails needed clipping.

Tyler patted the soft, dark curls on Josh’s head, and shifted to let Josh’s head fall into his lap.

“Tired?” Tyler guessed.

Josh nodded. “Exhausted.”

“Did you get any sleep?”

Josh shook his head. “I have work tomorrow. I need to sleep.”

“You can sleep now. Or tonight.”

“I can’t.”

“Would you sleep better if I were there?”

Josh huffed. “Maybe.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

Just as he did whenever Josh phoned, Tyler talked. He talked about anything and everything. A book he’d been reading, what he’d had for lunch yesterday, what he needed to get from the shops tomorrow. And just as he did whenever he phoned Tyler, Josh listened and smiled. Josh needed distraction, as Tyler knew only too well, and Tyler was the one to give him distraction.

When Josh’s stomach growled, Tyler poured him a glass of water and checked his cupboards. When he found his cupboards understocked, he ordered a pizza and made a shopping list.

“We can go to the store tomorrow and get you stocked up.” Tyler frowned, scribbling on a scrap piece of paper.

“I have work tomorrow.”

“After work.”

Josh groaned, but didn’t protest.

“You can afford groceries, right?”

Josh nodded.

“Then we’re okay.”

Their pizza arrived, and they tipped the deliverer, and then sat back down to eat again. Tyler kept talking, and Josh became more responsive. It made Tyler hopeful.

The winter sun hung low in the sky, and weak, yellow light peaked through Josh’s blinds. Tyler knew he’d been at Josh’s for a while, but he hadn’t realised he’d spent all of the daylight hours nestled against him. Tyler still felt like they were relative strangers, even though he’d talked to Josh more in the past few weeks than he had most of his family members.

Their conversations were informal, and often steered clear of deep topics. When one of them really needed to get something off their chest, they could. But mainly, aside from their meeting at the roof, Josh preferred to keep his breakdowns confidential, relying on Tyler to lift him back up after he’d fallen. Tyler wished Josh would say more, but it was like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Baby steps, Tyler thought.

“Be right back.” Josh said at one point, standing up and trotting into his room. The door shut, and Tyler thought little of it.

Scrolling through his phone passed seven minutes. Flicking through TV channels passed four minutes. Tracing the ugly floral pattern on the old sofa passed thirty seconds. Then Tyler got concerned.

“Josh?” He called to the closed door, but no reply greeted him. Tyler stood, and went to the door, softly tapping the wood twice. “You in there?”

A sound, not unlike the sound of someone saying something into a pillow, drifted from within.

“Can I come in?”

A pause, then another sound, seemingly affirmative but still muffled, followed.

Tyler pushed the door, and the light from the living room flooded into the bedroom. The bedroom was cleaner, if only because the surfaces were disturbed more frequently and allowed less dust to settle. The sheets were wrinkled and misaligned, and one of the two pillows hung halfway off the bed.

Josh lay face down in the other pillow, arms wrapped around it and knees drawn up to his chest. Tyler saw tear tracks down his face.

“Josh.” Tyler breathed. He tentatively sat on the edge of the bed, behind Josh so he could continue to conceal his face if he needed. Tyler pressed a flat palm against his shoulder blade. “You should’ve said.”

Josh shrank under Tyler’s touch, and Tyler was about to draw his hand away, but then he relaxed again. “Couldn’t.”

“Anxiety?” Tyler guessed.

Josh nodded. “Too anxious to tell you. Might’ve made it worse.”

“Scared I’d judge?”

Josh nodded.

“I don’t judge. You never have to worry about me judging you. I get it.”

Josh slowly sat up, hugging the pillow to his chest. “Promise?”

“I swear. “ Tyler stroked Josh’s arm. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks.” Josh smiled. It was true. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin was pale and clammy, and not one strand of hair pointed in the way it should.

“I’m gonna clean in here too.” Tyler looked around at the dimly lit bedroom.

“I’ll help this time.”

Tyler and Josh cleaned. More dusting, and vacuuming, and opening windows. Josh dug out clean sheets from the bottom of a drawer. They were old, but smelled okay. Tyler stripped Josh’s bed and carried laundry down to the machines in the basement. He set a reminder on his phone to tell him when to collect the load.

After some persuasion, Josh let Tyler tackle his bathroom. The sink basin was more stubble and toothpaste stains than porcelain, and it took half a bottle of bleach to unblock the shower. Tyler scrubbed the bathroom floor tiles too, with a bucket of hot water and a scrubbing brush. He fingers wrinkled and his knees were wet and sore by the time he was finished, but he still excitedly showed Josh his handiwork like a child showing a parent some dried pasta art.

“You really didn’t have to.” Josh put his arm around Tyler’s shoulders and rested their temples together.

“You’re right, but I wanted to.”

“Why?”

Tyler shrugged. “Because it’s better than… doing nothing.”

Josh nodded. “I wish I had my life together like you.”

Tyler snorted. “I don’t.”

“You can do all this though.”

“Distraction.” Tyler said distantly. “It’s all a distraction.”

Josh might have understood, Tyler wasn’t sure. But he didn’t ask any more questions.

An old radio tuned into a local station played in the corner as Josh dug out an old shirt and shorts for Tyler to sleep in. Tyler changed in the bathroom, borrowing a toothbrush under the sink and folding his clothes neatly to wear again tomorrow.

Josh stripped to his boxers and flopped diagonally across the bed, on top of the covers, exhaling heavily.

“C’mon.” Tyler tugged at a corner of the sheet, trying to pull it free. “It’s freezing.”

Josh rolled to one side to let Tyler slip between the sheets, then wriggled underneath them to join him.

They lay, heads sharing a pillow, and Tyler’s head tucked between Josh’s jaw and his shoulder. It was as close as either of them felt getting to each other.

“How do you stay positive?” Josh murmured.

Tyler closed his eyes. “I’m not.”

“You seem like it.”

“It’s pretend.”

“Why pretend?”

Tyler sighed. “If I pretend for long enough, I might believe it.”

“Does it work?” Josh linked his fingers with Tyler’s, absentmindedly.

“I’ll let you know.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is a little personal for me so y'know. w/e.  
> there's every chance i'll rework/edit this later because I wrote it in a bit of a hurry so there are some bits id like to expand on but w/e.  
> thank you for your support.  
> xoxo.


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